"wandering awed" - the farm pt.1
after my cat's heartbreaking disappearance and the abrupt deaths of 3 of the 4 baby bluejays i've been photographing in their sweet nest, (two were fledglings and we have found them dead of unknown causes on the ground, the other we found dead in the nest) i've been feeling disenchanted with nature...yes the very natural world i love so dearly has been tearing my damn heart out.
reading Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek has been the perfect accompaniment through the existential dilemma in which i find myself. i finished it the other night, with her words of "glory" and "amen" a great thank you to this universe: "all of it intricate, speckled, gnawed, fringed, and free." when a book makes me weep and cracks open the thunderclouds of my inner sky, i know i have seen greatness.
and then today,
we went to the farm.
our dear friend carolann's farm, or to be exact, winterport farm near ione california,
owned by the same family since 1865,
full of mysteries, junkheaps, seedlings, secrets, destruction, abundance, fecundity.
green, green, green
life, life, life...
my title for this post is taken from this amazing passage:
"I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wandering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty beats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them, under the wind-rent clouds, upstream and down. Simone Weil says simply, "Let us love the country of here below. It is real; it offers resistance to love."
page 242, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
i have lots more to tell about our farm experience but for now, i'm off to bed to let the day settle into my dreams where fledgling bluejays are still learning to fly.
sweet dreams to you, lovely friends of the world