i was so much older then, i'm younger than that now...

twas my birthday on saturday! to celebrate i wore (for the first time) a beautiful vintage indian dress that i thrifted back in the early summer. it has some of my favorite colors: raspberry wine and cherry blossom pink, with a quilted yoke and dangly bell ties. i went with darin up to the mountainy forest where an unexpected winterland awaited and an icy wind blew, snacking on figs and tabouli in the warm car, listening to leonard cohen, daydreaming, reading, exploring, wrapping myself in an old quilt.

it's weird growing older, and i love it, pretty much everything about it. i love silver hairs and confidence and being stoked on my one and only loveable body just the way it is, hips and thighs and belly and rounded edges and healthy hair. i love laugh crinkles and expansive tastes in foods and drinks (when you're young you think you hate avocadoes, eggplant, bleu cheese, how wrong you were!), love the ability to walk anywhere for as long as i'd like, and the ability to converse with an impossibly wide range of people, and the knowledge that nature and fun and beauty and bliss and love are what matter. i love being able to wear anything i like no matter what anyone thinks of it. i like having strong relationships with friends and family and husband that no drama can tangle.

the only "weird" part is when you are not a hundred percent sure of your purpose and you are in your 30s. now i don't give a damn what anyone thinks of me or expects from me, but i do give a damn what i think of myself, and sometimes i still wonder where i am headed. i still have a thousand dreams, uncorralled, like i did when i was 17, 22, 27. i still want to make and sell arts and crafts, to sing in a band, to bellydance in greece, to travel the world, to write stories and novels, to be a poet, to be a drifter, to live a hermit life, to be a socialite, to design dresses, to get a PhD, to own a vintage clothing shop, to direct a film, to rescue animals, to change people's minds, to spread love, to change the world. but most of all, of course, i want to have a bunch of babies and be a mother. that is just in my nature. and i am now 34 years old and so in the grand scheme of things, my time is running short.

but i also don't want to rely on having babies or getting pregnant or being a mother in the traditional sense as the only true path to purpose in life. as much as i love and cherish that dream, like i always have since i was six years old, i want to be a purposeful person even without relying only upon the dream of continuing my d.n.a. i mean, i do think darin and i have good dna ;) and i really really hope we can make a baby or two before our time is up. but i realized, turning 34, that i need to be in control of my life no matter what. and in love with it and all the possibilities, forever. i don't want to sit around feeling like, what have i done that matters? just because i haven't had a kid. i want to do things that matter anyway. now. and every year as another birthday encounters me, to know that my life is rich and full and storied and loved; that therein lies the purpose.

to know that as long as i am surrounded by so much love, there is no way i will not become my own best person, to realize my own full potential, as long as i allow myself to be free and open. to find the secret passageways, to inscribe the mysteries, to listen, to take heed, to entertain all thoughts at once.
to talk about things that matter, to hand over my heart, to sometimes cry jaggedly, to be intoxicated with the wild joy of living, to sing. to give, give, give and grow always.

and send these cares to the mountain winds my friends, and trust that motherhood will come to me by and by.
this i give myself for my birthday.


Teenysparkles said…
Happy birthday wonderful woman! I feel that nothing I can say in this comment box would be as beautiful as the words in your post. So...much love to you and yours. Enjoy this new year of living and celebrating your birth anniversary.
Andrea said…
awww! thanks for sharing a little bit of your birthday, and more of your infinite Moonshine Junkyard wisdoms :) you're just lovely and I love your perspective on many things. I feel you on those goals and getting older. In addition to many of my lofty goals I've always had a sense that I would be a mom and have children. The getting older part puts that added pressure on that itty bitty dream :) I'm sure you'll figure it all out and make room for cuddly cute little moonshine babies :) Which I'd be super excited to see, so don't forget to post when they arrive, ha ha :)
Bee said…
what a great post. i like getting older, too. and i feel you on the whole motherhood-what the hell am i going to do when i grow up thing. somedays, when i am doing my 5th load of laundry, changing my 10th poopy cloth diaper and calming down the 3 billionth tantrum, i wonder what else i'm going to get to do.
oh, and those boots are AH-MA-ZING.
happy birthday! you don't look a day over 25!
Amy Beatty said…
Heather..... that is the most beautiful post ever. You are glowing and giving and share so much with us. Your birthday looked so dreamy to be out there in the raw, fresh- cold beauty with your lover. One handsome couple. Both of your outfits are way too cute and suit you perfectly - cozy and bright, wild and free. I love you my dear. Glad you had such an amazing birthday. I (thinking of my self and you ) want you to have tons of babies. You are the perfect auntie and I know you would make the worlds greatest mom ever. We - the world, need more cool moms out there to bring creative open souls out into this world. I admire and love you so much. I will take the classes you teach, follow your band around the world, buy your crafts, shop at your store and read your books. I love you xoxo
Cel said…
Oh happy birthday, you wonderful lady! I'm glad to see you had such a beautiful day. You spoke of wondering what you're doing with yourself, your life... I can tell you. You're a ray of sunshine in the dark, the smiling face amidst frowns. We've never met, and don't really know each other, but through your blog I sorta feel like I do, and I hope all your dreams come true, and that you may pass on your loving, powerful free spirit on to future generations... of your own D.N.A. or not ;) It's certainly rubbing off on me! Love, Cel.
Anonymous said…
This is beautiful. You are beautiful. Happy birthday, you lovely lady, you.
Anonymous said…
Happy birthday Heather! You are so radiantly beautiful in these (and all your other) pictures, and your photos always contain the patterns and colors I love best. I may have told you before, but when I am sad your blog is like a balm to me; it cheers and calms me and makes me remember the good things. I am close to your age, still lost (though want to do SO many things), and have no life partner so am even farther from motherhood, but your post is a reminder to me too--patience, hope, peaceful growth...
Heather said…
I think having many as-yet-unrealized dreams is one of the greatest pleasures in the world. We all need things to look forward to.

Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday to a wonderful sweet girl, I hope you had a perfect day! Thank you for writing this post and reminding me to dream a little and live a lot:)!
Missa said…
I can tell you are one of those people who touches and inspires others just by being the beauty of a soul that you are and that's something that matters. All those other wonderful goals you have are going to be icing on the cake!

I was almost 35 when I became pregnant with Clover, you've got time, and you are going to be such a wonderful wonderful mama :)

Happy birthday Heather!
You are all incredibly wonderful and sweet! Thank you so much for the beautiful comments. and Missa, yeahh!!! That gives me such hope.
happy birthday, fellow november baby!

that was a lovely, lovely post (and less significantly, but still awesomely, a terrific score on the dress!).

even though i have had a couple kids and currently co-own a vintage shop (check, check...), i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up...and i think i like it that way, with sooo many possibilities yet to come.

cheers to you!
Happy Birthday! As for the Mom thing- I know so many more amazing, creative women who are mothers than women I know who define themselves by the role of motherhood. Change within yourself is a choice and having a baby doesn't take any of that power away from you.

I hit the ground running with the kid thing, but my Aunt (who SWORE she wouldn't have children) married a man that she loved and had a baby at 40. Almost 41. She's a really amazing mother- having a kid is jumping off a cliff into the unknown and trusting yourself that you'll fly. Looking at your blog you seem to me to be a woman in flight already. Best wishes in your new year!
boots said…
happy birthday princess! what a lovely stroll in the winter wonderland and all the present! what a valentine baby you are.

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