bright magic for a dark time

i wandered the stones and grasses and clovers of my yard, trying to feel magic spells creep up through the roots of my toes, my padded animal feet, my dirty hem...
i brought out all my magical tools, most of them gifted to me from the lovely claire with great perception and care, like a mother, like the earth.
a hand painted ceramic disc, a stone shaped like an egg, a wand with feathers, a bundle of fresh cedar.

but all these magic tools could not protect me from the devastations of this world. during my blissful ceremony i got a phone call. it was emily with terrible news that left us both gasping to breathe.

this is a pretty disturbing story; if you don't feel inclined please don't read it. here is emily's own description of what happened at her family home yesterday morning: To anyone who doesnt know, our family dogs were playing in our yard yesterday when 3 tweaked out guys came to our front door asking my mom if they could do any "work" for money (they wanted to get in and rob the house) my mom said "no, but ...I will pray for you". A few minutes later she realized she hadnt seen the dogs, so she went outside to find them unable to walk or stand (but trying) and one of them had a note safety pinned to its throat that said "AMEN".
She took them to the vet, and they had been drugged, crystal meth. Both dogs are dead. My heart is so broken for those innocent loving creatures and for humankind. the world is so heartless and dead and godless and I am feeling all of my faith in the good of this world draining out of me faster than I can save it.
Thank you all for your huge hearts and kind words. I love you all. You are the GOOD that I need in this world.

i look at my feathers, my incenses, my wand, my crystals. i know they are good and pure and of this wild weird world, and i know somehow we are all connected. i want to feel one with all, as i feel with my family and friends and animals, with cedar trees and driftwood, but i feel an awful disconnect when i imagine a young man capable of terrorizing a friendly innocent animal.
the dogs were two little pekineses, just the sweetest creatures around who love everyone.
the note had been pinned to her throat, her actual skin.
that fact makes my insides shivery with a terrible darkness. it cannot pulse with my heart;
it creeps like a fog.

i wanted to share these photos and tell of a bright magic,
a web i spin myself, prayers to trees,
moss and dirt i love, cats that burst my heart open with joy and sweetness.

i wanted to show this fertility charm that emily herself made me at christmas, which i feel blesses me.
i keep it near and moonstone lights my way.

i want to smile as always but i am haunted.
i am reminded that it is something of a battle, to be cheerful and kind and optimistic in a dark world.
i am not unaware of that schism, of the fraught nature of living, and i know i blog like life is just a bowl of cherries. and often it is, and beautiful, and the warming sun above all, and peace.
but i know the chaos,
even as i seek the magic of light.


Teenysparkles said…
My friend I am so sorry that such darkness has touched you and your family. What a hideously fractured heart that terrible person must have to be able to cause such horror to an animal or other person. Much love. x
Cel said…
Oh my goodness that's horrible :( My heart sunk as I read those words. I can't understand how anyone could ever do something like that... Ugh. My heart goes out to you all for your terrible loss.
Em said…
Wow, I'm so very sorry to hear of what happened to those beautiful, innocent animals and I'm so very glad she didn't open the door. I know everyone's hearts must be truly breaking.

When I think about the beautiful moments in my own life when I have felt truly one with all around me and how separate those miserable sots must be from that, it makes me very sad indeed.

Light and Love to you and yours...
Violet Folklore said…
Oh yuck. Oh my god. Fucking crystal meth.

Your brightness weaves healing magic Heather. Thank you.
Amy Beatty said…
That first picture was so beautiful. I thought you were making a blog about new things for your etsy. What a sad sad heart breaking story. The kids were very curious about it all, in unbelief. Poor little fellows. It is really crushing that someone could be so cruel and heartless - I hope it was just the drug in them and something they would have never of done otherwise.
Claire said…
Hello Love,
I'm so sorry for your friend Emily, and for you, too. I was so excited to hear your happiness on my little gifts and then....crash..... My heart feels really heavy and I'm sending love to you all.

That said, you look lovely :) The disk is to catch the ashes once it's time to use the smudge stick and that rock that looks like an egg? Yeah, it's a fertility charm. Gotcha! I had my kids and my mama friends all bless it for you :)
Missa said…
That is absolutely horrific. My heart feels heavy for Emily and her family. So utterly senseless :(

Sweetie, you ARE the magic of light... in a world that needs you and people like you.
AdieSpringB said…
Those disgusting tweakers have it coming...I do believe in karma I do. Honey it was such a weird day, feeling, sadness........but somehow we shall overcome. Forever. The darkness tries so hard to block out the light. It is so jealous of the good beauty.....

But it never can. The goodness is still here and it will always be and no one or thing can take it away, ever. The love for those pups will go on so preciously, so kindly, so overwhelmingly in Emma and her family's hearts and the love itself is so good and raw and endless. Such vile cruelty and satanic-ness that those gross men demonstrated withers in the light of the strength and sweetness in the Neumann hearts. I believe animals have hearts too. Hearts that can love, get excited, be sweet, be instinctual, be natural. That love of and for those dogs is still here and it is probably stronger than ever now.... and in the meantime, if I ever hear the word "meth" at a bar or figure out that someone is on it I am asking them if they are and then calling the cops. I say LET'S STOP METH and all associations that young wayward people have with drugs that tweak you out and "fun".
Milla said…
All blessings and good thoughts to Emily and her family. Strength were it is truly needed for nothing else can help through a dark experience like this.

Being light, embracing and creating it is in itself and action, a hard one. It's easy, all too easy to dwell on the darkness, the moodiness of the world, to wallow in all personal sadness, harder to focus on the positive.

Adie is right, an action is of needed, necessary to counter act these evil things, the ones that pull and tug at the fabric of the world, trying to unravel. Each of us needs to figure out what action they can take in order to bring light and love and sweetness into this world, whether it by trough physical acts, or spiritual ones.

I for one feel your light and am grateful. So much love.
GrittyPretty said…
how absolutely tormentingly heartbreaking. may blessings of healing hold Emily and her family.
i spent the last few minutes stunned. and then reread your post. your beautiful words are a balm.

Hoodoo Voodoo said…
Thank you all for the love you are sending my way.

Heather, I love how much you feel for everyone and everything else. Just when I think I am crazy and should just try to move past such a horrific tragedy, I get to read that it is still real in your veins too. It is so real and yet so UNREAL. So painful and so hard to hold it together.
I honestly am going to look up some kind of meditation on how to restore any kind of faith I may have left in the world. But not yet, right now I need to feel the anger and the hatred, I am assuming, because it just will not go away.
The arraignment should be some time this week in sac (and then they will get transferred to placerville), we are all piling in the van and going so they can see how many people's hearts they broke. maybe permanently. (Adam is even driving down from reno for it). Sickened, Hardened, Aching,
dude. omg. what. the. fuck. that is so incredibly awful, i feel a bit knot in my throat as i read it. jesus christ. i'm so sorry that happened. :(
i had a neighbor do something pretty awful to my's just so beyond my comprehension that people can do such things.
Anonymous said…
Oh my gosh... this makes me feel physically ill, and tears came to my eyes as I read your words. People like that aren't people at all, honey. Not at all. Because when someone can completely take advantage of innocence and sweetness, they are completely giving up their right to hold a place in this world. They're far below all the living creatures of this planet. So far below.

While nothing can erase the memory and sadness, horror and anger of what happened, holding onto the light as you are can help. Good people (just like you) with kind words and intentions cast a shine that chases away shadow. Fight that fog with sun, dear.

If nothing else, believe that some kind of karmic force will give those guys what they gave tenfold.

Sending so much love to Emily and her family, and saying a prayer for the wee pups.
Courtney said…
Ugh. My heart goes out to those poor little dogs, Emily, Heather and everyone else who loved them.

Thank you for your bright magic even in the midst of such a low point for humanity. How do we show people that such cruelty, such disregard for life is totally not ok? How do we pull them out of their own fits of self-destruction before things like this happen?
fatmoss said…
that is devastating. i truly did feel the darkness of the world when i read it.

because of reading that i have written a poem about protection and light and i will try and read it often to send good thoughts into the world.

already things feel so much lighter reading everyone's comments and knowing there are still such good and loving people out there. we need to stay strong to protect each other and all innocent creatures from the terribleness out there

love and light to you
ashley said…
I cant believe that it happened in such a quaint part of our small town? I guess that is naive considering we are (or at least were)the meth capitol of the states?

On a lighter note- there was a deaf dog missing by my folks for a week. A fourteen year old queensland healer lady roaming pollock pines. Her owner is a real sweet older man- dragged his jacket on the ground to leave his scent for her, and left her dog bed and food all around forebay lake . He stayed out there until late every night looking for her every night. He knocked on everyone's doors and passed out photos of her- obviously his companion for a long time.
Last night, some folks were driving home by the lake and spotted her just before the snow started to fall! They rounded her up and called her owner who rushed out to take her home. He even called my parents to tell them that she made it home. A sweet older deaf dog that probably shouldn't have had a chance out there, did, and it somehow it relieved me a little after hearing of Emily's family's devastation. It reminded me that there is always some sort of harmony to life and that there are good people left in the world too-and the good in them can make you cry as hard as the bad in others.

Your magic lifts my heart. The brightness in your photos,in the sun with your Billy practicing sweet blessings, is part of what makes the world an alright place to live. Keep spinning your web, girl! I know that your positivity and bubbly spirit keeps my spirits up too, and Emily will mos def need your good vibes to help get through all this heartache.

I just couldn't have imagined a more disgusting horrible occurrence to ever happen. Its gotta be the drugs, right? A creature couldn't do that to another without some sort of demonic drug controlling them? Fuck Meth. Seriously.
Andrea said…
Oh my goodness, I feel terrible for your friend-- and certainly for those innocent sweet pups. Please let her know that positive thoughts and energy are being sent her (and her poor mom's) way.
how could anyone do that to a dog. desperate people that are no longer human , but engulfed in drugs and sickness.
Love to your family, love to your doggys souls.
Kelsie Lynn said…
Gosh that was so beautiful. How can people get so disturbed? What in the world possessed them to do such a things? I'm just so angry and sad.
anne said…
oh my gosh heather! what a disturbing event! i'm really speachless and don't know what to say exactly. :(

i love your brightness and happiness. the world needs people like you. it may not be a bowl full of cherries, we all know it isn't, but why not live the best, happiest life we can. you are always an inspiration to me in this important area. thank you.

spiritual midwifery is one of my absolute favorite books! i've been wanting to do a post on life changing books, that one is at the top of the list! i read it while i was pregnant with shane and it made me SO excited to have my all natural homebirth! i plan on reading it again here soon, seeing as my next babe is coming soon. she talks about letting your inner ape out, it so true and something i did during labor. crazy and weird, but so true! ina may is one heck of a woman!
Nicky said…
That's incredibly disturbing and almost unbelievable. I love that you bring out the bowl full of cherries because each day is filled with its own amount of sorrow! When we can celebrate the goodness between us, we're choosing to look at the positive and not focus on the negative (which doesn't mean we don't all go through crap).

I'm so very sad and sorry for your friend and her mother who must be completely haunted by the experience! They will be in my thoughts!

You look fantastic, on the positive side!!! Your kitty in the sunshine, gifts from Claire, cute blanket outside, and FANTASTIC white dress... all lovely!!!!!! I love those little ties on the shoulders! :D Wishing you safety and happiness!

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