i hope it's not sounding like blah, blah, blah to you all! i am seriously fascinated with my own pregnancy and others' and new babies... it's embarrassing! i eat, drink and breathe pregnancy. i wanted to try not to let this happen. i DO still read books and go to work and watch good films and sometimes even think about other stuff. but really this baby is the truest part of me right now.
so here goes the last bit of my pregnancy compendium.
i'm sure i'll think up other topics that were supposed to fit earlier in the alphabet, so maybe later toward the last weeks i'll do some odds and ends.
i am a nester by nature :) and i'm not just talking cleaning and organizing my nest, i'm talking also building my nest. my equivalent of a bird's gathering bits of string and paper and hair and twigs are my trips to the thrift stores. also people keep giving me stuff and i have to find a way to store them! so i bought another small white dresser at the thrift store to hold baby supplies. i have done all the laundry and washed and organized all the cloth diapers with the little inserts fitted inside, (we were GIVEN 24 bum genius cloth diapers with inserts and hemp liners, what?! never thought i'd be so excited but i am) and changed around my own bedroom to accommodate a bassinet. but nesting is so much more than that and it has really hit the last couple weeks. i scoured the stove and stove-hood clean and i (try to) rule this house with an iron fist to make sure it stays that way. i constantly clean the nooks and crannies of the coffee pot and the drawers of the refrigerator and i got a new shower curtain. you guys probably realize i have a cluttered and "bohemian" style house that will never be spare or modern or spacious or well-lit; i like to call it cozy. but damned if it won't be sparkling clean when baby comes!
i have seen a lot of women complain about how their body becomes public space when they are pregnant. friends, i could not love this any more! i went to a local show the other night (my first social event in a while) and people that hadn't seen me in a while were oohing and ahhing over my belly. i had to tell them it's okay to touch it! and then they'd rub it and make me feel so proud and loved. my friend bridget said it's just so magnetic, which i thought was a cute way to describe it. guys too, jorden is the best at belly-rubbing being a recent dad himself, and an old friend rob asked me if he could feel it because he has two older kids and "might not ever feel this again." i am proud to share this belly with my community.
i haven't had anyone make questionable comments like telling me i am too big or too small or asking me really personal stuff. i find that our society tends to be more on the evasive and isolated side, so i say, touch away! talk away! ask me all about it, tell me your own stories, hug me? i don't mind! at the bookstore, customers have just this past week started to ask me when i'm due and what i'm having. i downright glow when i answer. one lady shared her own daughters' names and told me how much she had loved being pregnant years ago. to me it all connects me to the most wonderful web of mothers.
you might think i'm about to write all about glowing and radiance. nope. i am sorry to report that my skin is dry and the same little rash that appears every spring around my nose and mouth is back. pregnancy did nothing to stop that, but hey i'm used to it. i also have dark circles under my eyes like always, and little wrinkles, and all that jazz.
i will add that i am beet red half the time from being quite warm. i look like i am blushing continually, a look i happen to really like. this especially happens at night and i feel quite cute and blush at myself in the mirror right before i go to bed ;)
as for stretch marks, i haven't gotten any new ones. i have some already on my hips from my teenage years, so it is not going to be the end of the world for me if i get a few more. i do rub some nice oil on my belly and breasts and hips after showers, and i use cocoa butter when my skin itches. the itchiness was very bad around week 20 but has died down some now. this might be tmi for some people but i get a bit chapped on the nips and inside the belly button, what?! i don't know how to naturally treat that (any ideas anyone?) so i just let it go. and it kinda goes away, or comes and goes. nothing that bothers me much. ack you are probably so sick of me saying that...nothing bothers me, tralala, i am in wonderland and i'm preeeeegggnnnaaaant! i could be popping zits all over my entire body and i'd still be feeling lovely and beautiful, haha!
okay, it was a surprise to me to find out you are not supposed to sleep on your back when you're pregnant. it puts pressure on your spine and vena cava and hinders blood flow to the uterus. then i found out you're not even supposed to lay on your right side because that also restricts bloodflow in the vena cava. agh! so all that's left is the left side.... okay that is fine, but all night long? with a big belly right next to you that you're also supporting? i have a system that works fairly well: two pillows under my head, body pillow borrowed from kim all along my front going between my knees, and another pillow behind my back. but still, my poor left hip goes numb. and my neck and shoulder go all twangly. and i am just learning to deal with that.
i wake up to pee a couple times a night too, which is new for me. it gets more frequent as my belly gets bigger. you're never going to believe this but i actually like waking up to pee because i read toward the beginning of my pregnancy that the more you wake up to pee the less chance there is of stillbirth. WHAT? you're thinking, does she actually worry about this stuff. and yes, yes i do. remember that anxiety stuff i mentioned right at first? yeah, it's still hovering. ever present and ever nagging. i think blissful thoughts as much as possible but sometimes it wiggles right back on in.
which leads to another facet of sleep: deprivation! i get insomnia sometimes because i lay there worrying and thinking irrational thoughts. i am never a stressed out person during the day and all the way up until my late-night bedtime, but once the lights are out and the room is dark, you never know where my mind will take me, it's weird!
here is a funny example:
the other night i woke up from a deep sleep because i thought i heard a chattering, like a squirrel was in my bedroom. my cat billy was wide awake too, staring at something in the dark. in a moment he got up and proceeded to try to hunt around for the next hour or so. i was convinced there was a wild critter in our bedroom. i tried to wake darin up but he had no faith in my concerns. he thought i hallucinated it but i was convinced that because the cat was acting weird there was definitely something in there. could it be a rat? i lay there for hours, terrified that a rat was going to run across my face. i thought of our baby in her future bassinet, and a rat running across her face. or maybe a squirrel or possum would take a flying leap at the window trying to get out. i was terrified. once i finally did fall asleep i had dreams about taking our entire room apart methodically to find the creature's lair.
just today i realized that my cat billy makes that chattering sound when he sees a fly in the house. it dawned on me that he had probably seen or heard a fly in the room and was trying to capture it. (we've been keeping the doors open on sunny days and so occasionally a horsefly gets inside, which billy thinks is great sport.)
i called darin at work to tell him my revelation. i said, so there's probably not a wild critter living in our bedroom! he said, i knew that all along.
does this look like the face of a worrywart?!
at my last doctor's appointment i had gained 15 pounds. pretty normal, i think, but whoa! it is weird to step on that scary doctor scale and have the nurse keep pushing that little slider to the right, a little bit more, a bit more and more. i weigh more by far than i've ever weighed in my life.
this is a sensitive issue because people have such strong feelings about weight and body image. i personally went through my crap with body image at about age 19 or 20, continued on with it a bit through my early twenties, and basically got it over and done with. securely in my thirties, i couldn't be more over it. as long as i feel good and can do anything physical that i set out to do, i couldn't give a rat's ass if i have big thighs or cellulite or body hair or a double chin.
BUT i do want to feel healthy and i do want to feel cute in my own way. i guess these are fairly natural desires for women. you know your own limits and what feels right for you.
i feel pleasantly plump right now which is fine with me but also, i am determined to feel beautiful (and not "frumpy" like some women talk about) through this entire pregnancy. i don't want to come to a point where i look in the mirror or see photos of myself and can't stand the sight, as vain as that sounds. i think part of why some women don't fully enjoy the pregnancy experience is because they are disgusted by how they look or how "fat" they feel. which is kind of just sad but also a real fact and could be a symptom of over-indulgence. it could have to do with consumerism and society's pressures and a culture that is overly obsessed with me, myself and i. it could be a combination of many factors and it could be a trap.
this is my very own journey so i know that it is all really up to me, both physically and mentally. as for physically, i am still kind of in an "eat-everything-in-sight" stage and things like easter candy and salted caramel ice cream are harder to resist than ever! by which i mean, i don't resist them. i do eat tons of salad, veggies, fruits, and healthy stuff too, but nachos never tasted so good. i know for me and my body type it won't be healthy for me to gain a whole lot of weight and i can tell how easy that would be. so i have to try to dedicate myself to health and exercise! and not letting my self-indulgent nature get the best of me.
we'll have to check back in on this. who knows what could happen, and i will be gentle with my new mama self, so one more thing:
i promise to not be too obsessive about getting "back" my body later. (pretty easy when you weren't so "fit" to begin with!) i will let nature and needs and my baby and self-confidence and love be my guide.
drink lots! i am thirsty all the time and i drink water by the gallons. i think it is helping my digestion stay smooth and helping keep my energy up. i LOVE water. i carry a mason jar full everywhere i go. i drink it filtered or straight from the tap. i could bend down and lap it from a stream right now. this is making me super thirsty just talking about so i'm going to pour myself a nice cool glass :)
thanks for following along sweet friends. i welcome your comments, questions, thoughts or anything in between!
dress: thrifted last week
sweater: thrifted years ago
sandals: free from clothing exchange
earrings: gifted and handmade by amber
crystal bullet necklace: made by sadie