Cold Day in July - PART 2 of our birth story 7-17-12

here comes the hard part...and the best part...


so the surgery team was pushing me down the hallway with darin still by my side, comforting me and letting me grip him when i had contractions. but then they had to wheel me into the surgery room by myself and take darin to get him all geared up and make him wait while they prepped me for surgery. the surgery room was the scariest place i'd ever been. i went from feeling no fear at all about my labor to being gripped with terror. it was very cold in there, all chrome and bright lights and creepy surgical outfits so that everyone looked like aliens. i should mention that i have never had a surgery or stayed in the hospital or even watched medical shows on tv. i had no frame of reference whatsoever and the place was just. so. cold. even the team seemed detached, doing things to my body that i wasn't really okay with with me stuck with needles and frightened and alone. one of the surgical techs was pretty rough around the edges and was trying to start an argument with the nice one and never acknowledging me or saying one word of encouragement to me.

there was one nice surgical nurse named vera i think. she had bright blue eyes and a slight foreign accent. i was having a massive contraction as the anesthesiologist prepped me for the spinal. vera said i could hold onto her and so i did but she was so bony thin that at first i pulled back, having been used to my soft cuddly family. but she was so kind and open armed right in front of me that i quickly fell forward against her again and hugged her body tightly. what a strange experience, a total stranger i was clinging to, and i felt like i was clinging for dear life. someone said, you'll probably only feel that (the contractions) about 2 or 3 more times, as if to give me relief. but no...it broke my heart.

meanwhile terry, the anesthesiologist, was asking me to round out my back like a cat so she could get the spinal in. she said the more i rounded it, the easier it would go in. i now confess, one of the reasons i knew i didn't want an epidural is that i am terrified of that needle in my spine. but i had no choice. i liked the cat image so i kept it in mind, picturing myself a brave, stalking, beautiful, strong cat, and i rounded out my back as far as i could. i think it worked well because next thing i knew they were laying me down and turning me and getting me in position. i kept asking, where is darin? they said they'd bring him in in just a moment. i was so anxious to see him again. 

my very worried  family waiting in the hall for us:


my legs and hips were starting to feel heavy, as if there were massive sandbags pressing them down. now they brought in darin and i was surprised to see him in full surgical gear with the mask and all. i just kept looking into his beautiful green eyes and he looked so strong and sure, no tears in his eyes, just a firm calm strength beaming at me and telling me everything would be okay. it was around this point that i told them, "i can feel some light pinching." they were getting ready to make the incision and i could feel too much. it was freaking me out. darin says i was very calm when i stated again, "i still feel pinching." so the anestheseologist gave me "something" and said "you're going to feel very weird for a few minutes." i was still clear headed and i asked, "weird in what way?" and she answered, "just very weird." 
weird indeed. this was the worst part my friends. 

the drug that she gave me knocked me waaayy out into another world, and not in a good way. i became so immediately disconnected from myself and my body that i had no idea what was going on, a feeling that shocked me and put me in a frenzy of dismay. the room and the experience appeared to be on shattered planes, disjointed and broken and far away, icy and black and menacing. i felt like i was on another planet looking down, but worse than that i thought i might be dead. i had the worst panicky sensation that i didn't know who i was or what my life was. i kept looking back and forth from darin's green eyes to the nurse vera's blue eyes on my left, frantically asking them, "is this normal?" they kept telling me it was normal, but i didn't even mean the surgery, i meant the terrifying feeling of not comprehending reality. i couldn't even understand who darin was, i just knew that i trusted him and his eyes reassured me. darin says i started making all kinds of crazy high pitched little noises, and that i was saying stuff like, "WHOA talk about WOOZY!" but mostly i was just demanding, "IS THIS NORMAL???" and "WHAT'S GOING ON??!!" 
at one point i remember thinking about what i was going to say and stating loudly, "I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A STANLEY KUBRICK FILM." darin says he saw the doctors glance at each other and he thinks they were all trying not to laugh, i don't blame them! here your surgical patient is undergoing a crazy drug trip right in front of you! and we definitely laugh about that part of it now, but at the time it was way too freaky to be funny. (we later found out that the drug was Ketamine and that some people use it as a party drug, special K, ummmm no thanks. it seems to me you'd have to be a damn sick puppy to inflict that on yourself knowingly, but uh, that's beisde the point.)

luckily that crazy drug only lasts a few minutes. it basically lasted the time it took for them to open me up surgically and not allow me to feel it. i asked one last time, WHAT IS GOING ON? and the anesthesiologist, standing behind me at my head, answered, "YOU'RE DELIVERING A BABY, THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON!" and it snapped me back to reality! I was delivering a baby alright! The moment I'd waited for all my life! I could feel my body opening, and i could feel them pulling her out, and it was crazy and huge and emotional and not all that different from what i expected vaginally, and it was my baby and her entrance into the world through me, no matter what! all this hard work and fear and love and pain and blood and skin and passion and life force, from me to her, my baby, being delivered right now!

they held her up out of my body. darin had a better view than me and could even see my insides. her legs looked long and i noticed her pretty tiny face as they held her up. i was back to myself enough to experience that moment. first i wanted to know, "is she okay??!" because of the weird way they'd been acting about her position inside me. yes, she was fine, she was perfect they answered. i asked, "Is she a girl?" because i had a glimpse of her swollen labia and i thought it looked like boy parts. "Yes, she's definitely a girl!" they cheerfully responded from the other side of the blue curtain. we could hear her crying. i was still nervous and a bit frantic and i asked, "why is she crying?!" they said, "that's good that she's crying! she's healthy!" i called out, "LUCY! LUCINDA! mama's here! We're here!" thinking my voice might calm her because i'd talked to her so much in the womb. within moments they brought her around to us. she was bundled up and i was so surprised to see her face, she looked like me! somehow i never expected that. they placed her in darin's arms and he held her up to me and for just a brief instant her eyes opened and we got to look at each other. i wish so much that moment had been longer. but they were ready to sew me up and they needed to wheel darin and lucinda away for now.

my precious newborn, ready to suck from the moment she came out, that is addie's finger with the little sleeve on it, so glad darin and my family got to shower her with love while she waited for me...

still in the surgery room, i could feel a lot of crazy stuff going on down there now as they put my uterus back in (??!!!!) and sewed me up. the nurse was telling me, "You're going to feel a lot of pressure, a LOT of pressure..." and i was like "PRESSURE? this feels crazy!" i was shaking shaking shaking like a leaf. i wish i could remember better what went on during this time that i was left alone with the surgical team. i think they started pumping me with narcotics as soon as they got my baby safely out. later they told me i was "exhausted" and they needed to let me sleep. UGH. whatever they gave me, which definitely included demerol and morphine, it knocked me out for the next hour and a half which they call "recovery." i have no memory of even waking up, or the very foggiest of memories, like being blacked-out drunk. i was shaking so badly when i woke up; they piled blankets on me. it was like having the DTs. it makes me very sad that i ended up in such an unnaturally altered state during the most important experience of my life.

meanwhile, darin was wheeled out in his wheelchair (they must do that in case he passes out?) holding our perfect baby, to our family's tearful and grateful welcome. they had been so worried, not just about me and the surgery, but about lucy too since the doctor was acting so hushed and worried during the ultrasound. mikie has a video of everyone waiting anxiously outside the surgery room in the hallway, and their elated reaction when darin is finally pushed through those doors holding our baby. it is such a release of pure joy and emotion. the videos mikie took that night are so special to me and make me cry; so many emotions sweep through me when i remember all the details of that long night. 

next darin went into the nursery and was with our newborn daughter getting some precious bonding time in. of all the nurses i had during my hospital stay, i am glad it was sweet Amy who got to attend to darin and lucy first. she helped darin gently clean the blood off our daughter and then hold her close for a nice long session of skin-to-skin to bring her temperature up. darin says they were both sweating so much he thought she peed on him. the nurse said, nope, that's just sweat! oh, i almost forgot to mention she scored an "8 or 9" on the apgar test and darin was very proud of that. i had warned him ahead of time most babies never get a ten so he was very pleased with her performance. darin was so smitten with her immediately, just in awe and wonder and pure pure love. and she loved him right back. this relationship continues strongly now, a couple weeks later, so beautiful and strong that i am almost glad that he got to share this vital time with her even before i did. not that it would have made any difference i'm sure, but it is one way i can look at it and see the positive, a perfect cocoon of daddy bonding time to start lucinda's life out so sweetly protected and cherished. 




lucinda was born at 1:54 a.m. on July 17, 2012.
she weighed 6 lb 15 ounces and was 20.75 inches long. her head circumference was 13.5. she was longer and narrower than i expected, a dainty little lady with long fingers and toes and perfect fuzzy dark hair, soft all over with a tiny sloping button nose, rosebud lips and her daddy's eyes. 

addie visiting with her in the nursery within her first hour of life:

now it was about 3:30 a.m.
mikie has a video of them finally wheeling me down the hall; i was talking to my family as they greeted me and slurring my words, "you guys, what a night. i'll tell you all about it later." i was swollen and puffy, matted haired and ragged and not entirely back to myself, but i knew i needed my baby. 
back in my room they brought her to me, overflowing my heart...

reaching for my tiny daughter...

and immediately latching her onto my breast. she was a perfect eater, so ready and willing to learn to latch and nurse. i am so grateful that it went smoothly and felt so natural. she was in my arms, where she belonged. i forgot about the surgery, the incision, the drugs...just knowing that this little life belonged with us, plain and simple, to feed her and nurture and love her, our hearts all tangled now for the rest of time.


my real baby! on the outside now, my arms go tender just thinking about her. she knows us, and we know her. as surprising as it is to see your baby's face, it is also ancient knowledge somehow lodged inside you eternally, backwards and forwards through time...of course this is YOU, my child. 
you've been part of me forever. 

my family left around 4 a.m. and we were left alone with our baby. being in a hospital room did not matter, i felt bathed in a glow of love, darin and lucy and i, we were home. we gazed at her. the time passed like a dream. 
darin says i never wanted to put her down or let him take her. but i needed to sleep so bad, he says finally in the late morning or around noon i let him hold her again and i slept for an hour or so.

soooo tired but sooo happy. this is where i've always wanted to be.

next day, addie and emily were back in the afternoon to help us out with anything we needed. they brought snacks from home and changes of clothes; emily made us a beuatiful mix cd, and they held the baby and fell in love.

lucy loves her aunt addie, from the very beginning:

they say it takes a village to raise a child, well here they are. lucy's family and friends for life, addie, joey, emily:

and of course, pops. he dotes on her. he can't get enough of her and can't stop smiling when he's with her.

they had taken out the catheter late tuesday night, and the IV came out weds morning. i was able to get up and around, hooray! i don't think i've ever spent a whole day in a bed before in all my life. especially with an uncomfortable pad and mesh underwear and a big swollen belly full of air they pumped in me, etc etc etc. i am not gonna lie, i think C sections suck. i am grateful that they save lives and i definitely see them as a viable possibility for childbirth now (never really thought about them much in a positive light at all before) but i know that a vaginal birth would have been so much better in every possible way, and especially when it comes to recovery. i have soooo much sympathy for women recovering from surgery now, and i also see it as an absolute last resort because of the trauma it brings by its very nature as a major abdominal surgery. my heart goes out to women who end up with birth experiences they never expected and i have a very tender desire to communicate and comfort all new mothers and birthing mothers. 
but hey, by day two, i was super happy to be standing up! walking around a bit! peeing on my own and changing my own pad :)


day two of lucy's life and i am overjoyed to be her mama.

after showers, fresh and clean and happy.
our family:

lucinda was born on the last night of the old moon, a tiny sliver in a summer sky. 

she was born on a day in july that turned unseasonably cold, windswept and cloudy. the skies turned cloudy and the night cooled so much that my family told me they needed sweaters and jackets when they left and all the cars in the hospital parking lot were fogged with a cold dampness. 
for placerville in july that is a rare phenomenon indeed. early the next morning, a cool rain came and washed our dry town clean.
i think lucy cast a mysterious and delicate spell over our hometown and these hills, the silver sky and ephemeral night. 
a remarkable occurrence indeed, the birth of miss lucy violet,
a time in my life that i will never forget and that already haunts me with a strangely unimaginable nostalgia despite my story's twists and turns.

thank you all for reading along. it has taken me two days to write this second half and in between, i am loving feeding and cuddling my newborn, the ultimate gift from the universe, whose face and dancing hands and bright eyes bring tears flowing over my cheeks at my luck and bounty. my own baby at my breast, sweet milk and honey, rose skin and love drunk. i will never cease feeling acutely grateful and eternally blessed.

Comments

thehippiechick said…
Absolutely beautiful. I have been reading your blog for a long time but never commented. Thank you so much for sharing your amazing birth story with us. Your baby is so perfect and so beautiful. and so are you. Welcome to motherhood! You will be an wonderful mother.
im here across seas and continents feeling your words with swollen heart and tear stained cheeks.

lucinda could wish not have wished for a more beautiful family.
AdieSpringB said…
Honey, your words are perfect here. Honest, brilliant, emotion-filled, raw, wonderful words. I am so glad you have written this.

I can't WAIT to see Mikie's video footage. That cold day in July, July 17th 2012, is a day that I never will forget. It is the day I feared more than I have ever feared in my life and it is the day that I rejoiced more than I have ever rejoiced in my life. The fear of losing you or Lucy gripped me in a way I can not even describe, bated breath, inner desperate bargains and pleas to the Great Magic- and the joy of getting both of you back from that surgery room safe and sound made me grateful to this mysterious universe and God more than I ever could imagine. If that doesn't haunt the soul, I don't know what else can.

All I know is birth is a life and death situation, no matter what. And I love you guys, too much, thank God.
Sarah said…
wow! just wow! I don't think I have ever read a birth story with so much detail... I mean, I was seriously shaking reading during the c-section.. so so scary! It is really awesome how just those first few moments with your new baby girl could make you forget it for a while. Despite Lucy's birth not going the way you want it, you and Darin are so blessed to have a healthy baby girl and such a loving, supoortive family! Cheers to you guys and the many many happy years to come!
Teeny said…
Gosh i've enjoyed reading this.So much. I will send you an email in time i think...i have to go now to pick up my big 4.5 yo girl from kindy - and give her lots of cuddles. children are such a blessing.
xoxo
Lucinda+Heather+Darin=always
Oh Heather! The part where you called out to Lucinda just breaks my heart. But she knew mama was right there and I'm so happy Darin got her right away for that skin to skin lovin! Your story is that of a modern woman. It is a beautiful mix of natural laboring and medical intervention that is your tale and fight for your sweet daughter. Breech babies are suppose to be mystics ya know :) You've got one special girl in your life.
wow! i just read both parts. i feel your pain so much. i had a very similar birth story with my first. long, intense labor followed by a crash c/s. the being afraid to lean on the nurse while you get the epi, the detached surgical team, the shakes. it's a lot. i'm sorry you had such a rough go of it. i really understand. your baby is so gorgeous and i was so moved by your family/birth team's participation. you are very lucky. as a doula i have never seen so many hands on family members. that's really special. thanks for sharing your story and your beautiful pictures. i hope you heal up quick and that you are able to process the trauma you feel from the sudden changes in your birth plan. i will say that the friends of mine who had crash c/s and then chose to do a repeat c/s instead of a VBAC reported back that it's not nearly as bad. laboring before a surgery is really tough on your body. my labor was like...25 hours of pitocin induces contractions before my c/s, so it was brutal. but my best friend who just went in and had the c/s said it was a much quicker recovery. having a VBAC was pretty awesome for me, though. i don't know if you and darin plan on future kids, but if you are, don't let anyone tell you that "once a c/s always a c/s" bullshit. it ain't true. anyway, wow. what a story. again, thanks for sharing. i love birth stories, it's such an amazing once in a lifetime kind of story. you are beautiful!
sanya said…
thank you for sharing your birth story even though it didnt go as planned. Reading these are one of my favorite things as weird as that may sound and I can't wait to experience it on my own. During my OB clinical for nursing school I had my first and so far only birthing experience and it was honestly one of the most moving things I have ever experienced. The mother was a complete stranger but I was almost brought to tears by the beauty of the miracle I had witnessed. As a new (very new) member of the healthcare team and someone who is interested in anesthesiology I am grateful to hear your story because it helps me to mold my nursing practice. By watching other professionals you gather MANY traits you don't want to have and a few that you would. It is easy to become disconnected from others in a hospital and especially in such a serious unit as surgery. I apologize for this greatly and hope to avoid this.

One of my biggest peeves in healthcare involves the labor/delivery/postpartum unit, and the increased push? towards induction and c-sections. Unfortunately many of the OB doctors at our local hospital are VERY apt towards c-sections, as well as allowing mothers to be induced before they are full term. This isnt beneficial in the least for mother or baby.

Thank you again for sharing! Sorry this was ridiculously long, but when I am passionate about something I tend to ramble.

You, your family and Lucinda are beautiful.
Evelyn said…
Wow. Wow wow wow. Another longtime reader, never commenter, too overcome by my awe of you to remain silent any longer. This story took me into another world, sad and beautiful all at once. You put the seemingly ineffable into words so effortlessly. Thank you so much.
mo said…
oh heather your birth story brought such tears to my eyes. For your act of courage and love to move thru such an intense experience. I'm so glad that you are okay and that your precious little girl is happy and healthy. What a miracle life is. Truly and deeply.

Thank you for sharing the details of your experience. I love you Heather! You are an amazing womyn.

blessings to you and your family.

love mo
Elizabeth said…
Lucinda is so blessed to have come to you all. And as hard as it must be to have had to let go of your dreams of a vaginal birth, you did everything you could, adn your wonderful family and friends too. You are such a wonderful Mom: )

Such a Wonderful Mom xx
anne said…
wow heather, what a beautifully detailed birth story. the way you described the affect of the drugs was insane! i'm sorry to hear things did not go as you would have liked, but i suppose that is just life right? the important thing is that you both are healthy. she is a lucky little lady to have come into such a world of love! and to me that is way more important than a perfect birth :D also, i agree with brigit about the once a c/s always a c/s. vbac IS a possibity! (not that you're thinking about that right now but...)my midwife now accepts vbac which i'm sure has brought much joy to many expecting mothers.

sending big hugs up to you and lucinda!

anne
Kimberly said…
Beautiful story Heather...I love you so much. You are going to be such a fabulous mommy. I am so proud of you. :)
lightwood said…
I cannot tell you how thankful I am that you shared this story with us, in all it's bittersweet moments and intense detail. You are an extraordinary woman that's for sure! One thing I keep reminding myself nowadays (even though I wanted to slap anyone who said it in the first few weeks) is that I am incredibly lucky that my Arlo was born safe and healthy, and I myself did not find too much harm. I was dead against c sections and having an epidural was one of my greatest fears, a spinal needle for god sake, it's a the stuff of nightmares! Then to have it unsuccessfully placed 5 times actually was my worst nightmare. Andrew was all gowned up too in the operating room with me ready to meet our boy, he was rushed out quickly and I was thrown on the table practically because they were all already waiting as the anaesthetist had taken so long. One of the things that has popped up when I went to my birth trauma healing session (with a beautiful spiritual birth educator & doula - I wish I had her with me) is that the worst feelings I can identify from the birth happened at two separate times, but the same feeling... When they rushed me in and laid me out for the general anaesthetic no one talked to me they were all rushing, my blood pressure was thru the roof from the spinal needles and my body had gone into shock shaking violently, they placed the urinary catheter and it hurt so much and was so rough, I felt violated in every inch of my body, I could feel arlo kicking inside of me, my poor 34 week old baby about to be yanked from his cocoon, I suddenly lost all fear, all feelings of anything except hopelessness, my soul & my heart shut down, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die... Indescribable really. Sorry if this is so negative...
lightwood said…
That same feeling was replicated when I awoke in recovery and was asking for my baby, Andrew was showing me photos of him on the camera, I wanted to be with him so bad, all I had ever thought about was how our first skin to skin moments were going to be, how the amniotic fluid on his little fingers was going to guide him on his crawl to my breasts for his first taste of milk, that was all gone I had to grieve for those moments, then the morphine daze replaced the recovery pain and I was wheeled to my room, I awoke a few hours later it was late evening and I asked to see arlo again, the nurse told me then I wouldn't be seeing him until the following day as he was in special care and I was incapacitated in my bed. I remember clearly turning my head away and sobbing, ashamed of my pain and once again feeling that desperate hopelessness wash over me... Of just wanting to crawl away. Luckily by 10.30 that night my OB came by and demanded to know why I hadn't been put in a wheelchair and taken to see my baby. So I did, he was in his little humidicrib, I don't have great memories from it though because of all the morphine & drugs I can't remember much.

Anyway thanks for listening heather! I've since made peace with the fact that both me and my baby were in danger of maternal/fetal death and THAT is why the choices were made by my doctor, and if I had to choose an outcome of course I would choose this. I had to learn to separate myself from those who are simply "too posh to push" (not judging anyone - just not my idea of a birth) and my beautiful birth healing doula suggested we "rebirth" Arlo someday.... Which Andrew (bless his soul) surprised me with on mother's day morning this year, he told me to get naked in bed when I awoke, he put on music and tool Arlo into the shower and wet him so he was warm & slippery, told me to close my eyes and then brought my boy between my legs and asked me to push and give birth to our child. It was really special xo
Sadie Rose said…
Oh my god!!! Heather this is an amazing story, i am crying and have never read an account of a c-section that is as detailed as this. I am SO SO glad that Lucy traveled here safely at all costs and latched on right away. so many blessings. thank you for sharing this with all of us!
Nicky said…
This is such a wonderful account of how things went down. I love that through it all you and Darin stayed so connected, especially during the c-section when everyone was dressed up like aliens- so sorry but you had me laughing out loud with the "high pitched noises and questions."

Before I entered the medical field, I never knew why women who had c-sections were so much slower to recover (I had two vaginal births), until one great day in my labor and delivery rotation when I got to dress up like an alien and watch like a fly on the wall as a mother had a c-section. It was a surreal experience (especially since the dr. performing the surgery was my OBGYN!!!).

You described so accurately what someone would see and feel, especially not having any hospital experience, and reminded me again about how important it is to think of these things on the patients behalf. One thing I was drawn to so much about the OR (operating room) department was the nurses compassion for their patients before surgery, holding their hands and reassuring them. Not all nurses did that, but the good ones did. It reminded me of your skinny nurse you clung to. We are nurses because we naturally love people and want to comfort them in times of need. I had two WONDERFUL nurses for Elsa and Olivia's births- it makes such a difference in remembering the experience. I even took pictures back to give to them- HA!

With the c-section, they do literally set your uterus on top of your belly after the baby is delivered and clean it out as if washing a bowl!!!!!!! I couldn't believe my eyes and still can't make sense of it anatomically. Then to stitch up all those layers?!!!

You are a brave woman. I'm sad through and through that you didn't get to experience the birth you had dreamed of, but so thankful that there are medical professionals out there who are there to save life, bring life, and help people who might have not made it other wise! I love that Lucy got to bond with Darin first and breastfed immediately when she met you! The whole thing seemed to play out beautifully in the end! Sheesh, I'm writing a book- I could go on and on. PS I'm applying for labor and delivery and OR departments... I just passed my state boards!!!! YAYYYYYY I'd love to know what books you read because I'd love to support natural birth as much as I can, and intervene when needed! :D

Welcome to motherhood you beautiful creature and love and blessings to your new lil family!!!! xo
Jenna E said…
wow, I can't even imagine what you must have been feeling.I feel sorry for you having to take all of those scary medicines. I also feel for Darin having to see you go through this and feeling so helpless! But the main thing is you have your healthy and happy baby Lucy who is absolutely perfect. So happy for you Heather xo
dolly anna said…
dear heather-
what a beautiful story! i love the way you decked out your room at marshall...i think that would make it so much easier on the woman's heart...creating your own space to labor and birth. i'm sorry about your c/s. i don't know if you are over it, or if you're grieving, but it is real. people will say, "but all that matters is that you have a healthy baby.." it's absolutely true, but it still didn't make me feel better. i was so ambivalent after teddy's birth, and ignorant, that i was convinced that there was no other way i could've birthed teddy. i think i was numb to my pubescent woman's psyche. when i was pregnant with lincoln all of the grief opened up. i sobbed for teddy. was he scared? did he feel alone? i couldn't bear the thought of my tiny infant feeling the whole world's worth of fear or wanting love. i sobbed that i didn't breast feed him, or hold him after he was born. i sobbed for my cut up body, and the way it was denied of it's natural beautiful process. don't worry, i think our stories are different. you had a beautiful natural labor, and a natural, healthy, conscious pregnancy, all wrapped up with a trippy futuristic delivery like a sweet ass space woman. roll with it. it sounds like you've already sealed up any bonding gaps a c/s might create (which, for me, is the most risky aspect of a c/s.) you and lucy are as tight as ever, breastfeeding, secure, and loving. and that is the best part of this story. :) you are brave, and wonderful, and LUCY is HERE!!!!! (and you two are so perfect. your mother heart is purring...i think it suits you. ) xoxoxo
Missa said…
I am in awe of you Heather.

Thank you for sharing your story with such raw and beautiful honesty. You brought me to tears. My heart broke for you during your chilling (literally and emotionally!) surgical experience and overflowed for you and Lucinda and Darin and those eternally tangled hearts of yours...

We all have a universe within us and you are so gifted in allowing yours to open up in all its beauty for the viewing. In reading all these wonderful heartfelt comments, its plain to see that it flows out and touches the people around you in such a special way.

It kinda blows my mind when I think about what an amazing human being Lucinda is going to blossom into with such magical parents guiding her through life!

Yup, awestruck, I tell ya :)
Geny said…
Wonderful beautiful story Heather! I am so happy for you, Lucy is a perfect reflection of you and Darin. I am sorry that you had to end up with a c-section but I hope your recovery is going well. Sending you lots of love!
you've left me speechless again. you awe me. you are so courageous.

the whole story is beautifully written--not at all too verbose, never!--and brings me to tears.

i am so very truly happy for you that you are a mother now. xo
Violet Folklore said…
Oh Heather. You made me cry so many times reading this. Cry at times. Read out loud to whoever is in the room at other times. Smile most of the time. It's so beautiful. I love you all so much and, as I told Adie, I'm coming to visit as soon as I get the chance!
Milla said…
Honeychild! I read this when you first posted it, swearing to come back and comment with meditated thought.

You are so awe-inspiring. Not only did you hold onto your positive, radiant spirit through this potentially dispiriting experience, but you put it to "paper" so eloquently and vividly, that I too (like everyone else) had chills and tears and a big release of energy reading them.

The story of Lucy's birth, your and Darin's birth is ultimately such a joyous triumph and also an important reminder that everyone's birth experience is what it is. I sometimes feel like, at least in my community, too many mothers-to-be cling onto wanting natural childbirth so bad, that when the opposite occurs, they are unable to let go of it, their body and mind holding the trauma. Your birth is your birth it brings you your child. That's what should really matter. They way we enter the world is always a miracle, always and thanks to you, I feel like I'm prepared for anything.
Such an emotional read and I'm not a mother so I can't even begin to imagine what it felt like to be there having it all happening to you. Sending hugs your way. You are such a strong woman to be able to tell your birth story with such an upbeat, positive ending. And to think, this is only the beginning of her story! Lucy is a blessing indeed and she has herself one fine momma and dad.
melissa said…
oh my goodness! Your birthing story really moved me. I've been a doula for 14 years and now a labor and delivery nurse. I really appreciate your description of how you felt while certain drugs were being given to you. It's amazing how each hospital navigates the system differently and how we each bring our own wisdom (and lack of) when we greet our patients, our mother-to-be. You did everything perfectly. My mother laboured with me for nearly 4 days (naturally) before having to have an emergency c-section. I swear that experience is what lead me on my path to become an L&D nurse and I have no doubt that the loving energy that surrounded you all that day, in an environment that you navigated so well (with your decor!!!) with those closest to you will have a beautiful impact on your baby girl as she continues to blossom. So yeah, just wanted to give a sista a huge shout out and let you know that I feel ya!
melissa said…
oh, and thank you for sharing!!!!

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