beyond my wildest dreams

hi friends. i have been waiting to post this for a long time now. i start to think about what i will write in this post all the time, and i get really nervous and excited, so guess what...i'm just going to blurt it out, finally, right now, with a huge explosion of mental and spiritual fireworks like a parade's calliope in the sky:

for anyone who doesn't know our background i'll try to put it simply: we have been trying for a really.really.really. long time. a loooonnnng time. i have had countless conversations with friends and loved ones in which i have said, "i just know it is going to happen for us somehow, someday." i tried never to be too concerned or make it a big negative stressful deal in our lives. but you probably all know or intuit how badly we want to be parents; i feel like it is blatantly and utterly obvious. luckily i never had the kind of experience where i struggled emotionally when those i loved got pregnant and had babies; on the contrary, i have been completely overjoyed to have plenty of baby love in my life. but still, all along, i have had such longing in me. pure wild tameless longing. i seek to express it otherwise but i don't know how. it is something i have dreamt all my life: to be pregnant, to breastfeed, and to mother. i knew there was a chance that i would need to find new creative ways of mothering, or that we would eventually adopt. but if you have ever struggled with fertility, you may have glimpsed the pure life-breathing desire to conceive a child within one's own body. there was no disregarding it. my body, mind and spirit craved to be with child.

and not a moment has gone by, not one moment, in which i am not eternally, blindingly, astonishingly grateful for this fact. 

maybe so grateful, in fact, that i tend to be worried all the time that something might go wrong. i am not ashamed to admit that and have found that expressing myself honestly helps me deal with fears and anxieties in a healthy way. pregnancy, at least for me it seems, is a time of worrying. before this, i have never considered myself a worrywart. i think of myself as the most laid-back, go-with-the-flow, non-anxious member of my family. that's why i love road trips. i can eat anywhere, sleep almost anywhere, set off to climb any mountain in any terrain as long as i have some water.
ha! not anymore. now that my body is growing and protecting new life, i find that i am much more hesitant about what i will do, where i will go, what i eat, who is around me, what place in my house i want to sit, what i will read or what film i will watch, how much work i will do, what i will lift or touch. it's crazy! did any of you other mothers experience this?

there are a hundred, a thousand, life-altering things i could talk about related to this. i am still getting comfortable with the idea. every day seems so slow. and yet i look back to early november, right before i found out i was pregnant, and it seems like yesterday.  climbing hills in joshua tree, spinning on the beach at big sur. i was just barely starting to suspect, but i wouldn't even admit it to myself yet. i have always been so careful not to "get my hopes up." and yet, my own body's hopes were up. i was wild with energy and love on that trip. that's why i chose to post these pictures. i was studying the Wild Woman, the woman who runs with the wolves, and i was running. 
embracing the wild woman, what i was really doing was embracing myself as mother.

despite my worries, there are things i am so confident about. i am confident about bringing up a happy child in this world. through all my journeys, through wild times and quiet times and days i feel young and days i feel old, it is something i have always felt strongly about. i cannot wait to show my love and enthusiasm for this earth and its inhabitants to a new person. i can't wait to watch darin imbue his child with mysticism, with rampant curiosity, music love, wild humor and vivid active knowledge seeking.  

and truly, at the heart of it all, i am confident in my body. i always have been and i am determined to continue to glow with health and energy. a part of me has not made this easy on myself. i sink into the couch. i eat too many sweets because nothing else sounds good. there were definitely difficult, exhausted, anxious times in the first trimester. not much of a cryer, i have wept. not much of a whiner, i have whined. just ask anyone i live with. everything is changing in my life (and you wondered why i've been blogging less ;) and i am sure there are a million changes to come. but i will face them with spirit and love and kindness, and be true to myself. to me, that is what makes a mother. a wild woman, a true woman, and a mother at heart.

i'm starting my second trimester and i am really, really, REALLY excited. i've had more energy the last week or so, less nausea, and a lot of pure bliss.
there are so many more things i want to say, but for now i am going to leave it at that. my excitement. i hope it is bursting out of your screen about now, cause that's how it feels. 


Teeny said…
oh honey, you came out as a pregnant lady! hehee. In your last few posts I've thought that you looked like you were bursting with secrets you wanted to share - smiley ole you. You're not alone with feeling anxious btw; it's a whole new territory and all of a sudden you have a big responsibility to look after the new life inside your belly. It. Is. Life. Changing. And you will be the most loving, amazing, wisdom imparting mother I'm sure. The 2nd semester is nice from memory. I'm glad the nausea has gone too. but most of all, i'm glad this finally happened for you. Welcome to motherhood sweetie.
theequinebovine said…
Do you know how freaking excited I am for you. Im smiling and hugging my cat right now in honor of your bun! Woooweeee! This is great!!
xoxoxoxo love lots ! xoxoxoxo
Kerry the new format
Cyber HUG!
Crystal said…
I saw the title of this post and I *knew*. I am so completely, totally overjoyed for your blessing. That is gonna be one loved, happy baby.

There are some really resplendent souls that are coming into the world now, so lead us into the light and your dear, sweet babe is most assuredly one of those.

Now I'm crying happy, thankful tears to the universe.
Blessings, Mama.


Crystal (Claire de la Luz)
Anonymous said…
OH MY GOODNESS! Congratulations, sweet pea! Oh, that is just so amazingly wonderful. You'll be excellent, excellent parents, you and Darin both! What a cool kid this is gonna be!!
Amanda said…
HORRAY! I swear there is something out in the universe right many wonderful women are pregnant and I am soooo excited! I just found out a week ago my office mate is 16 weeks! I can't deny my desires to have another baby are at a high!

I am so so so happy for you both. I canot wait to watch you as you progress and I am looking forward to the beautiful birth experience you will have.

Congrats & Much love!

OH MY FUCKING GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!! i have tears in my eyes!!!1 i gasped so loud when i read that and i haven't read a single other word in your post i just had to come say OH MY FUCKING GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! i didn't know the details of your journey to get pregnant, but i had some clues that you guys had been trying for a while with some difficulty. this is the most magnificent news!!!!! i am so very happy for you and your husband. oh my god!!! okay, now i will read the rest of the post. OH MY GOD!
OKAY! i am back!!!! oh my god. so excited so exciting! i love pregnancy!! you are going to be so gorgeous when that belly gets ripe. totally feel you on the worry. guess what? that never goes away. it gets worse when they come out. haha. oh, you guys are going to be the best parents. do you want some book recs? from me, the wise old doula? hee hee. i am so excited. okay, if you haven't already read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, you should. i think it's one of the best. you would absolutely eat up Birthing from Within. and Henci Goer's A Thinking Woman's Guide to Childbirth is also really great. and DO NOT READ What to Expect. it's the worst book ever. do not read. OH MY GOD!! my whole day is going to be so happy now. thanks for telling us! i can't wait till your belly starts blooming!
Heidi Ann said…
Heather!!! I am so excited and happy for you both ( or all three!). Congratulations a million or more times!
anne said…
eeeeeee! yay! yay! yay! i must admit though... i had a BIG feeling you were going to get pregnant and i'm stoked i was right! i'm sooo glad i haven't sent your package yet because now i get to include maternity clothes!

i can't wait to watch you grow. worrying is normal. crying is totally normal. being pregnant is an amazing experience. i'm sure you will relish it all!

oh congrats!!! you and darin will be awesome parents!

btw that first picture is absolutely gorgeous! you are glowing!

sending lots of love your way!
Still Blooming said…
tears of JOY...the most wonderful news! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY, YAY!!!
Tina Dawn said…
I am so happy for you. Love T
Violet Folklore said…

Okay, I am posting my video either later today or tomorrow!

I remember a wise mama said to me "you experience every emotion possible during pregnancy, frequently and more intensely."

These pictures are so beautiful Heather! I am just bursting with happiness for you & Darin. In case I haven't already expressed that enough ;-)

Yay, I can't wait to watch that belly grow! And I am so glad you're out of your first trimester now honey. Love love!
whit said…
Can not wait for you to be a mommy. You will be wonderful!!! Love you guys. :)
Bridget said…
CONGRATULATIONS! Being a mama is the best and you will be fantastic at it!

Hope you enjoy being pregnant as much as you can - it goes faster than you think. ;-)
Chelsea said…
Welcome the the circle of motherhood sister! (Maybe someday you can say that to me!) I am so awestruck by you and Darin and love you guys so much!

I read something to this extent recently... Pregnancy and birthing is a sacred experience that should not only bring a child into the world with love, it also celebrates and honors the wisdoms and traditions of the past, throughout cultures; it unites and excites the divine feminine that is vital in a body-mind-soul transformation and a women's sacred rites of

SO EXCITED! Can't wait to hear more as your journey of transformation and creation continue!
Brittan said…
I just cried all through this post. So beautiful. I don't know you but I'm so happy for you.
Missa said…
Woohoo! Welcome to your second trimester mama! This is soooooo exciting!!! My heart still swells up like a big love-filled balloon every time I think about you and Darin welcoming this child into the world.

What a lucky little soul it is to be so cherished and treasured from the very start. I got all teary when I thought of your child someday being able to read this and knowing just how much love brought them into your lives. You and Darin will no doubt be the most amazing parents!

As for the worrying, I think in your case it has so much to do with the level of anticipation that has built up around becoming pregnant. You've wanted this for so long and are so grateful that it's finally happening that the possibility of something going wrong becomes so much more scary and all-consuming. It's completely understandable.

I'm guessing though, that once you've got that beautiful healthy baby in your arms so much of the worry will melt away as you feel able to trust that you really are a mom now, you really did it.

Don't get me wrong, there will be other types of worrying to deal with, but there will also be a new sense of strength and knowing for you to draw from.

Gosh, so so happy for you guys. Much love to you Heather <3
oh congratulations!
i do not comment much but adore your blog and just know you will both be the most amazing parents!!!
Anonymous said…
I read this this morning, Heather, and have been thinking about you all day. I woke up grouchy, but your post lifted my spirits. I'm just SO happy for you. As females we have so much power -- we're deeply connected with nature and all aspects of life. Bringing a wee one into this world is just... I have no words.

Sending such love to you, your man, and the little bean.

Anonymous said…

i have been waiting for this post since we last emailed and i just jumped online in between busy-ness today to check, and oh my goddess if i am just not FLOODED with warmth, love, joy, always ecstatic indeed.

i want to come back and comment again when i'm not in the whirlwind of my day. but for now i want you to know how beautiful you is already possible to see the being you are carrying because it is in your look EXTRA. heather plus. the beauty is not just bound up in baby, because i also get the sense that you are getting ready to give birth to yourself, a self that has been gestating and ready to come forth for a LONG time. ..and the beauty of that woman, of that mother, has such radiance that you are dazzling to behold. ok...i have to step back into my day...but just are loved, you are love, and you have a way of loving like no-one else i know.

i'll be back to write more soon. xoxoxoxoxoxxoo
Astral Boutique said…
yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay! I am so excited that someone as full of love and life and joy as you are is bringing a child into the world! you are giving us all a very important gift- thank you, mamma! (-: xoxo
Jacqueline said…

Amber at Violet Folklore linked to your post and I just had to read...being a new mother myself :) Your post just exudes happiness & it was a pleasure to read I had a wonderful pregnancy and birth. It was the greatest time of my life...well second to actually being a mom now! One of the best things I did while pregnant was read Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth--you have to check it out! It is so inspiring. Good luck and I look forward to reading about your pregnancy, birth, & baby :)
Porkchop Rules said…
Now you have energy! Congrats as a new mom at 36...I never thought it would even happen. I'm more excited to see what he will look like! It goes by so fast....if you have lots of mui mui dresses then you will not even need more clothes;) good luck
Sadie Rose said…
WOW!! so exciting!! i am so, so excited for your journey. what a JOY it is and will be - all of it. your blog looks great, too! hopefully i'll get to see you in person one of these days and then we can go the full 9 years with pregnancy/breastfeeding/birth/baby talk. Love!
Unknown said…
Hi Heather,
I am Amber's mom (Violet Folklore). Her blog linked me to this page and I am so excited to read it. She speaks so highly of you and we have talked about your heart's desire to have a baby. I am just SO happy for you! Being a parent is the best thing that ever happened to me (and being a grandparent is right up there too!) I just wanted to let you know how very happy I am for you and your husband and even though we haven't met, I want to wish you love and every happiness with your little one. Hopefully we will meet someday!
Janis Hill
Joanne said…
Heather! I've been reading your blog for a long time now.. I came to it through Amber, who I hung out with in Nevada City a few years ago (and who's been an online sister of mine for even longer).. I've followed your treks out into the desert, picked up your book recommendations and browsed your Etsy goodies. So I just finally wanted to say hello from England, and CONGRATULATIONS! I can't think of anyone who could be a more wonderful mother :D And also THANK YOU! for your light and vibrancy, and especially for your blog-travelogues here. I live a veerrrrryyy long way from the desert, and it tugs at my bones daily.. I get much needed doses of it here, and you really brighten my days :)
Much love on your journey! Joanne.. xx
Celynne said…
Oh Heather that's wonderful, amazing news! I'm tearing up. I'm so happy for you! You are going to have the happiest child EVER. You're so full of love and joy, your child will be too. Surrounded and imbued and living in love and joy! I used to wonder how anybody could want to bring a child into the world, and see so many spoiled, selfish children... but I know already yours will be a gift to the world and everyone they meet :) Just like you! I'm sending your family bursts of love! I hope the waves reach you :) *hugs*
i am so excited for the two of you!

oh, worry. i don't where to begin with that one, but know that i've been right there with you --and you can holler if you ever want to chat on it ;)

a million hugs your way!
Andrea said…
I agree, I too saw a different glow in you in your last few posts. I'm feeling a million different feelings for you right now my dear :) I'm so overjoyed for you, for Darin, for your family and I'm so happy for this little being because it is going to have such a wonderful, willing, open, beautiful and incredibly awesome mom! Congrats to the both of you! I'm so excited to see a bit of your journey. Felicidades mi amiga!
Milla said…
My dearest, sweetest Heather, the news of your and Darin's blessed pregnancy was the perfect embodiment of the duality of all things, a gift at the end of that last year of turmoil. Writing about it last week, I so badly wanted to mention your future baby in the side of good, beautiful things to come from the darkness of that world, how that news remade it completely. And now, you're safely, happily in your second trimester and the secret's out! Oh we couldn't be happier for you and you know it. Like Missa said back when you first told us, we just knew it, instinctively, looking at these images of your radiant face. How could there not be a baby born out of such a blissful couple as yourselves. Congratulations once more. We can't wait to meet this new person your making!
Lara said…
Ayeeeeeee! This makes me happier for you and Darin than I can say. Reading your words has lightened many a dark dark day for me in the last year. It seems you bring such warmth and sunshine to all who surround you, in the physical and virtual worlds. You are blazingly beautiful and I can't imagine a more wonderful mother-to-be!
atropanocturna said…
Congratulations! You will be such a wonderful mother!
AlphaBetsy said…
So many congratulations to you. I have no doubt that you will be the most amazing mother a child could ever want, allowing explorations and adventures and an amazing life. So many many blessings to you, Darin and to the new little life.
Elisheva said…
How utterly perfect and wonderful and beautiful and loving, wholesome, spiritual, blissfull, strong and pure, holy and bright, forthcoming and promising, expectant and serene, Loving and giving and welcoming and full of the absolute wonder of being alive.

Congratulations smilie bright one.

A million blessings on you and your wee family growing.

xx E
Sailor Purrs said…
What a beautiful and glorious post. I am beyond happy for you, Heather. You are such a genuinely wonderful soul, and a perfect mama you will be. xxoo
Nicky said…
heheheh- I was SO excited when I found out the other day when hanging out with Anne (she told me). I couldn't wait to come over and smile with you! Congrats to Darin too- I'm so happy for you both!!!
Glad you made it through the first trimester alright- stinkin' pesky nausea!!! And you are total radiance in those shots -sad I missed you out in Joshua Tree, it's about 1 1/2 hours away and Erick and I were just gonna drive there today just to hang out and climb rocks for a while :D We'll bump into each other one of these days!

PS- Loving your new banner :D

About a few weeks left til you find out if your lil peanut is a boy or girl? Or are you keeping that a surprise? I couldn't handle that kind of suspense and wanted to know ASAP! :)

ok.ok. I'm stopping now. :D MUCH LOVE!!!!!!
the posts of posts, this is why blogs exist. to share and muse and let the universe sing with you. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yay yay yay!!! HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU! xoxoxoxo
Geny said…
I am so beyond happy for you and Darin! I know how much you have wanted this and I am just so glad! You will be wonderful parents and I cannot wait to see the baby...when are you due? June? July?
Nichole said…
I am so excited to follow your journey as a mother!!
mo marie said…
Heather I am so excited and happy for you and Darin!!! I always get so excited to find out that great people are bringing little ones into this dimension. It's what the world totally needs right now. It will be so wonderful to see you and Darin both blossom into parenthood and partake on that journey together. Reading your blogs as you know are in my top 5 things to do when I’m on the internet. : )
This blog was the best by far. Tears of joy in my eyes as I sat at the coffee shop today! I think everyone who reads it totally feels your joy in every word you write. I know I did. Thank you for sharing your wonderful news, for the beautiful pictures of your captured joy right now. How precious life is and the timing of the universe. For your patience in the process. Blessings on your journey as you have just stepped into motherhood. How special this time must be. Sending you and the little one loads of love.
<3 <3 <3

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